Erma Bombeck

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me"."

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"Housework can kill you if done right."

"If I had to live my life over:
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculped like a rose before it melted
in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more
while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realising that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" and more "I'm sorry's"
. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . . look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back."

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

"Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what."

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "

"Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven."

"Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere"

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."

"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"

"Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?""

"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."

"I come from a home where gravy is a beverage."

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her."

"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."

"When God Created Mothers"
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.
"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."
"I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius, " said the angel.
Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"He who laughs..... lasts."

"Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born."

"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "

Erma Bombeck