"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Groucho Marx
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Erma Bombeck
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me"."
"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"
"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
"Housework can kill you if done right."
"If I had to live my life over:
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculped like a rose before it melted
in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more
while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realising that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" and more "I'm sorry's"
. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . . look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back."
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what."
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "
"Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven."
"Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere"
"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"
"Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?""
"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."
"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."
"I come from a home where gravy is a beverage."
"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her."
"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."
"When God Created Mothers"
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.
"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."
"I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius, " said the angel.
Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there."
"Never have more children than you have car windows."
"He who laughs..... lasts."
"Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born."
"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "
Erma Bombeck
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me"."
"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food"
"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
"Housework can kill you if done right."
"If I had to live my life over:
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculped like a rose before it melted
in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more
while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realising that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" and more "I'm sorry's"
. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . . look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back."
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what."
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. "
"Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven."
"Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere"
"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"
"Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?""
"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."
"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. "
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."
"I come from a home where gravy is a beverage."
"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her."
"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."
"When God Created Mothers"
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.
"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."
"I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius, " said the angel.
Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there."
"Never have more children than you have car windows."
"He who laughs..... lasts."
"Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born."
"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. "
Erma Bombeck
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sex
"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
Woody Allen
"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."
Woody Allen
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
Woody Allen
"Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!'"
Anaïs Nin
"She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go."
Dorothy Parker
"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better."
Chuck Palahniuk
"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.
Carrie Bradshaw
"He'd noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination - but at the end of the day they'd settle quite happily for egg and chips. If it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato."
Terry Pratchett
"It's woman's spirit and mood a man has to stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the man who can thrill you by touching your face or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."
Marilyn Monroe
Woody Allen
"Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right."
Woody Allen
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
Woody Allen
"Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!'"
Anaïs Nin
"She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go."
Dorothy Parker
"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better."
Chuck Palahniuk
"Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.
Carrie Bradshaw
"He'd noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination - but at the end of the day they'd settle quite happily for egg and chips. If it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato."
Terry Pratchett
"It's woman's spirit and mood a man has to stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the man who can thrill you by touching your face or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."
Marilyn Monroe
Monday, August 10, 2009
Calvin and Hobbes
"God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die."
"You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!"
"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
"As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
"I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?
Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."
Calvin: Academia, here I come!"
"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."
"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."
Bill Watterson
"You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!"
"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."
"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
"As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
"I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?
Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."
Calvin: Academia, here I come!"
"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."
"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."
Bill Watterson
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Martina Navratilova
"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed."
Martina Navratilova
Martina Navratilova
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Douglas Adams
"'Did I do anything wrong today,' he said, 'or has the world always been like this and I've been too wrapped up in myself to notice?'"
"The problem with designing something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of a complete fool. "
"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."
"All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others."
"Time affords us the ability to blame past errors on others while whole heartedly pronouncing our futures successes."
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea."
"If life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion."
"We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works."
"Everybody has their moment of great opportunity in life. If you happen to miss the one you care about, then everything else becomes eerily easy."
"The problem with designing something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of a complete fool. "
"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."
"All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others."
"Time affords us the ability to blame past errors on others while whole heartedly pronouncing our futures successes."
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea."
"If life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion."
"We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works."
"Everybody has their moment of great opportunity in life. If you happen to miss the one you care about, then everything else becomes eerily easy."
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
"Life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal."
Neil Gaiman
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."
Oscar Wilde
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemingway
"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
Bill Watterson
Neil Gaiman
"You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."
Oscar Wilde
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemingway
"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
Bill Watterson
Monday, June 29, 2009
Gena Showalter
"Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?"
Gena Showalter
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?"
Gena Showalter
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Jim Harrison
"Birthdays are ghost bounty hunters that track you down to ask, "Que pasa, baby?"
Jim Harrison
Jim Harrison
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Albert Einstein
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein
- Albert Einstein
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Groucho Marx
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
Groucho Marx
Friday, June 19, 2009
Calvin [and Hobbes]
“You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood."
"What mood is that?"
"Last-minute panic."
Calvin [and Hobbes]
"What mood is that?"
"Last-minute panic."
Calvin [and Hobbes]
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Calvin [and Hobbes]
"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help".
Calvin [and Hobbes]
Calvin [and Hobbes]
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